Made of Scars
by MadeofScars
Summary: Post 4x11 fic about how Deeks feels about the events of the day and the person who tries to comfort him.
1. Chapter 1

This story was inspired by listening to 'Made of Scars' by Stone Sour, it felt like a good description of Deeks' character with his past living with his father and the sadness of the last episode. This is my first attempt at a song fic, I do hope it's alright.

* * *

_This one came from looking _  
_This one opened twice _  
_These two seem as smooth as silk, flush againt my eyes _  
_This one needed stiches and _  
_This one came from rings _  
_This one isn't even there, but I feel it more because you don't care_

Deeks sat in his apartment alone, leaving ops about an hour ago he was now sitting on his couch alone with Monty curled up beside him, head on his lap, beer in his hand, "some birthday" Deeks muttered taking a swig from his beer before turning his attention back to the television.

_Yeah, Cut right into me _  
_Yeah, Cause I am Made Of Scars _  
_Yes I am made of scars_

The images projecting from the television provided the only source of light as it flickered a stream of colours into the apartment. Deeks absentmindedly stroked Monty's fur, the dog snoring peacefully beside him. "Man's best friend" Deeks thought to himself "more like my only friend" he sighed rubbing a hand through his scruffy fur.

_This one had it coming _  
_This one found a vein _  
_This one was an accident, but never gave me pain _  
_This one was my fathers and _  
_This one you can't see _  
_This one had me scared to death,_  
_But I guess I should be glad I'm not dead!_

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. There was really only one person who would call around this late. He sighed before moving off the couch, much to the displeasure of Monty who was now minus his pillow.

_Yeah, Cut right into me  
Yeah, I am made of scars _  
_Yes, I am made of scars_

He opened the door not bothering to check who it was first.

"Hey" Kensi said almost sheepishly looking down at the floor at first, knowing that the second she made eye contact with Deeks she would feel the pangs of guilt all over again. "Hey." He replied softly. "Can I please come in?" She asked finally peeling her eyes away from the pavement. Deeks was never one to deny her, especially when she had that damn pleading look in her eyes. How could he say no? "Sure" he replied stepping aside to let her in.

_God, Don't you believe it_

Kensi immediately took in the dark surroundings of his apartment, the three empty beer bottles, the half eaten pizza sitting on the table. She was a terrible partner, how could she let him celebrate his birthday alone? She prioritised a criminal saving her life one time over her partner who had saved it countless times. She turned around to face him as she made her way over to the couch. For the first time that night she turned to look at the man standing in front of her, she noted that he was shirtless wearing only jeans. Her eyes were drawn to looking at his chest, even with the television being the only light source she could see the scars from his last shooting. Heading towards the couch she noticed Monty lying down with his head pricked up all excited to see her. "Monty off" Deeks commanded and the dog skulked off to his own bed, sensing the tone in his master's voice. Kensi swallowed hard before taking a seat.

_And I will find a way_  
_Everything you are I will betray_  
_Oooh, I swear that I will find a way_  
_Everything you are's inside me_

"You have every right to be pissed at me Deeks, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday" she said looking over at him as he sat on the opposite end of the couch.

"It's not that you forgot my birthday, it's that you still chose to go out to dinner with somebody else once you found out about it" he said sadly. This was not her Deeks, no hint of humour, sarcasm, nothing. She had really blown it this time, how the hell could she fix this? _  
_

"I'm sorry I couldn't go to dinner with you..." She said softly looking down at the floor.

"Why couldn't you? Who was more important than me?" He asked, fearing her answer may be another man.

"Jaime... he saved my life today..." She said unconvincingly, she could ever hear how her voice wavered.

"What and I didn't? I knew the minute I walked in there that I would be made and yet I still did it to buy you some time." He replied angrily, his voice raising a lot louder than he had intended.

He had a point, her silence indicated that he had won that round. She continued to look down at the floor, fighting back the tears that were just waiting to fall.

_This one was the first one_  
_This one had a vice_  
_This one here I like to rub on dark and stormy nights_  
_This one was the last one,_  
_I don't remember how_  
_But I remember blood and rain_  
_AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING AGAIN_

"Why did you go to dinner with him and not me?" Deeks asked, his tone a lot more composed yet still deadly serious.

"It was too late to cancel on him" She replied still unwilling to look up at Deeks. A dead give-away that she was lying.

"Kens..." He pushed knowing that what she was saying was complete and utter bullshit.

"I can't tell you..." She said sadly.

"So this is what it's come to huh? Keeping things from me, forgetting my birthday..."

"Deeks..."

"No, I'm not done yet, you guys are always treating me like a joke, taking shots at me because I'm not an agent, you know I really thought that I'd found a home at NCIS now I'm starting to think that I don't belong there either..." He confessed, taking a sip out of his fourth bottle of beer.

_Yeah, Cut right into me_  
_Yeah, Cause I am made of scars_  
_Yes, I am made of scars_

_That's what I'm made of!_

"Can I please turn this on?" She asked softly gesturing towards the lamp near the couch. "Knock yourself out" he said shrugging his arms. She reached over and flicked the switch on. She doesn't know what compelled her do it, perhaps it was the need to see Deeks' face and be better able to judge his reactions, or perhaps it was her willingness to show her vulnerability for once and reveal to him the fact that she was crying.

"Shit Kens, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry." He said putting his beer down and immediately scooting over closer to her wrapping his arms around her. She hugged him as if her life depended on it, she needed it more than she would ever admit.

"Deeks don't... don't apologize when you've done nothing wrong." She said sadly rubbing her hands up and down his back feeling the different textures on his skin, the smooth little divets from where the bullet holes had exited through his back, the old scars from when his father would beat him as a child. He had retold only a limited number of stories about his childhood to her. The scars on his body revealed more than his words ever could. She knew that each and every one of them had a painful story behind it, yet she didn't press him to talk about it, that's not how it worked with them. So many stories had remained untold, that was how their 'thing' had always been.

"But I did do something wrong, I upset you." He said pulling back away from the hug to look at her, his hands moving to hold both of her arms.

"Dammit Deeks" Kensi said to herself more than to him, why does he always do that? He's beating up on himself again, his father was lucky he was dead or Kensi was sure she would have killed that man herself.

"Deeks... I'm only upset because what you said is true, we do always make you the butt of jokes, it's not right, and I'm sorry."

"Forget what I said, it doesn't matter" Deeks said trying to play down the situation.

"Yes it does... You're an amazing partner Deeks, you are just as good as anyone on our team" She said trying to allay his concerns.

"You don't have to say this..." He replied, sensing that this was all an act to rebuild his self-esteem rather than the actual truth.

"I'm not just saying it Deeks, there is no one else that I would rather have watching my back. Today at the garage, I was scared but there was a part of me that knew that everything would be okay because you were right there with me." She confessed.

He smiled slightly at her before slightly laughing, "yet you still wouldn't have dinner with me on my birthday..." he said sadly moving back away from her to the end of the couch, beer in hand, taking another sip.

Kensi sighed, there was really only one way to remedy this and it could end up costing her everything...

"Deeks there is a reason why I didn't want to go out to dinner with you..."

"Oh my god, it's because you don't want to be seen out with me at a restaurant again isn't it? It's because of last time isn't it? Look I didn't mean to spill the wine everywhere, god, I'm sorry, it was an accident" Deeks said almost bitterly remembering their last dinner at Crustacean.

"Deeks"

"Just because of that one little accident you don't want to go to dinner with me really?" he asked.

"Deeks"

"That is really mean Kens, it's my birthday! God, I really embarrass you that much?" Deeks sighed getting angrier by the minute.

"Deeks!" Kensi yelled finally getting him to shut up.

"It's not because of last time, well... actually it is..."

"I knew it! God, you can't let things go!"

"Deeks..."

"No, that is a bullshit excuse Kens, it was an accident, what is the likelihood that it would happen again?"

"Dammit Deeks let me finish!"

"Fine!" He yelled, sitting back into the couch and actually letting her speak.

"Okay, it wasn't you spilling the wine, that was actually really hilarious, I think a bit of water came out of my nose from laughing so much."

"That's all I am to you huh? A joke... A great big joke, hey there's Deeks being a joke as always."

"No, what? That's not what I meant! God Deeks, I wasn't saying that at all."

"So what the hell were you saying?"

"You know what? Maybe this isn't such a good idea, I think I'm going to go." She said standing up and preparing to leave. She had come over to make this right however her presence only seemed to be making his mood even worse.

"Oh great, you're going to run away as usual." Deeks laughed, reclining onto the couch throwing his arms up in the air.

"I'm not running away, I just can't talk to you when you're like this."

"Like what?"

"Like a petulant child who can't even let me finish a damn sentence! You keep turning everything that I say around and using against me."

"Whatever..." He says, turning the television up loud to block her out.

"See! This is exactly what I'm talking about." She says grabbing the remote from him and turning the t.v. off before throwing it across the opposite side of the room where it would land with a loud thud, batteries spilling out in the process.

"I was watching that".

"Bullshit, god Deeks, you are so infuriating sometimes!"

"Great another insult to add to the list..." He sighed.

Kensi was beyond pissed at this point. "Fuck" She said angrily throwing her bag down on the table unable to leave things like this. She grabbed the bottle of beer out of his hand putting it on the table, making sure she had his full attention.

"The reason I didn't want to go out to dinner with you again is because the last time we went out..." she paused willing herself to continue "I didn't want that night to end..." She confessed softly as if hoping that he didn't hear her.

"What?" He stammered, hearing her perfectly clear and knowing that there were major implications to what she had just said.

"That last dinner just confirmed to me what I had known for a long time Deeks..." She continued using a soft tone, looking down at the floor again

"What's that?" He asked, she could hear him swallow as soon as he had said it.

"That I'm in love with you..." She said looking him directly in the eye.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow an update... Finally. Sorry guys, hope you enjoy :) Thanks so much for all the reviews!

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"You're what?" He stammered, not for one second believing that those words had really just come out of her mouth. He could literally feel his heart start to beat out of his chest. Thump, thump, thump. "She didn't just say that did she?" Deeks' confusion was written on his face.

"You heard me..." She said now avoiding eye contact with him, going into default Kensi mode she stood up putting some distance between them. One hand moved to her hip as the other reached up to run her fingers through her hair. "God, what an idiot, why did you have to say that?" She thought to herself.

"I'm not sure I heard you correctly..." He said quietly.

"I'm in love with you Deeks, I have been for a long time..." Kensi sighed sadly wiping away the tears that were falling.

"Why are you saying it like it's a bad thing Kens?"

"Because it is Deeks, I can't feel this way about you, you're my partner I'm not supposed to feel this way, I'm sorry."

"What? Why are you sorry?"

"Because telling you has ruined everything."

"No, it hasn't..."

"Yes it has, I'm gonna go." She started making a beeline for the door.

"No, wait. Please". Grabbing her arm to halt her actions Deeks blocked the exit. "It hasn't ruined anything." Kensi just continued to look at the floor, her head hanging down in shame.

Deeks took a step forward slowly bringing his hand up towards her face, ever so gently he tilted her chin forcing her to look up at him. "It hasn't ruined anything" he repeats, the intensity in his blue eyes matching the intensity of the words he had just spoken. Stepping even closer Deeks takes his life into his own hands moving his head closer and closer until the space between him and Kensi is no more and his lips meet hers. The kiss was short and sweet but full of meaning and emotion.

"I love you too." Deeks confessed, his eyes locked onto hers, his face just inches from her own. She was still frozen to the spot, the words he had just spoken and the fact that his hands were resting on her hips, rendered her unable to move.

Snapping out of her state of inaction Kensi shook her head. "No."

"Yes." He repeated moving his hands up to cup her face, leaning his forehead against hers. She closed her eyes sending tears tumbling down her cheeks. Kensi pushed against his chest trying to put some much needed space between them. "Deeks don't, we can't" she said sternly knowing full well what he was trying to do.

"Why?" He asked stepping back into her personal space, taking hold of her hands, rubbing his thumb softly up and down the back of them.

"Because..." she softly sobbed "we're partners Deeks, we can't have these kinds of feelings."

"But we do, we didn't ask for them, they just happened." Deeks pleaded, trying to make her look up at him.

Kensi pulled her hands away from his. "So they can un-happen." She said resolutely.

Deeks laughed "Uh it doesn't really work that way Princess."

"It can, we just need to try hard and make it happen." She replied, knowing how ridiculous she was sounding but sticking to her guns.

"So uh we just try and pretend that we mean nothing to each other huh? Just go along like nothing has happened?" Deeks asks incredulously.

"Exactly."

Deeks shakes his head, knowing how stubborn she is he would be wasting his breath arguing with her but this was Deeks, he couldn't help it.

"Do you know how stupid that is?" He blurted out.

"I don't care how stupid it is Deeks, we _have_ to, we can't feel this way." She replied getting angrier and angrier as she argued with him.

"Okay, fine, we'll do it your way... like always." He said bitterly throwing his hands in the air and returning to the couch and taking a sip of beer. Kensi closed her eyes, that hurt, that really hurt. Damn him. He always knew how to push her buttons, he knew exactly how to get under her skin. He knew when to pressure her into opening up or when to give her time and space. So why wasn't he pressuring her into this? He hadn't put up much of a fight at all which surprised her.

She turned towards the door yet found herself unable to leave. Was she disappointed that he hadn't fought harder? Would she have caved in? All of these lingering doubts were swirling through her mind as she remained in front of the door.

Deeks was shocked that she hadn't left the minute he conceded to her. Her first instinct is to run away, why hasn't she? He wasn't willing to let this question remain unanswered as he stood up and approaced her. "Why are you still here?" He asked softly, pressing her ever so slightly.

"I don't know." She replied leaning her forehead against the door.

"I think you do." Deeks replied edging closer and closer to her.

She leaned against the door which offered her much needed support and stability. She knew that the second she turned around to face him she would be undone. That those eyes of his would be the death of her resolve. The piercing blue would see right into her soul. "I..." She was stuttering, unable to properly form a sentence, not helped by the fact that Deeks was right behind her awaiting an answer.

"Talk to me." He said, trying to pry out some sort of information as to what she was feeling, what she was thinking about.

"I... I'm so confused right now." She confessed turning around slowly to face him.

"Yeah well that makes two of us." Deeks joked as the two shared a soft, shy smile.

"Isn't this the part where we say that we'll figure it out?" Kensi smiled.

"Yeah but there's nothing to figure out right? You don't want there to be an 'us' so it's figured out..." Deeks replied in a very matter-of-fact tone.

"Right..." She repeated, in a less than convincing manner, looking anywhere but at him.

"Right?" He replied pressing her to look at him and say it.

"I don't know Deeks..." She sighed "I really don't know what to do right now"

"I know what we could do" Deeks suggested grinning while wiggling his eyebrows at her.

Kensi shook her head smiling, he always knew how to break the tension with a stupid joke. "Oh my gosh..."

"Look in all seriousness" Deeks said stepping forward and taking both of her hands in his before continuing "in all seriousness, I think that you should take some time and think about all of this okay, no rushing into things, no stupid plans, just time to think about what's happened tonight and what you want because I already know what I want Kens and it's you. I want you more than anything else in the world." Kensi's breath hitched slightly. "I know you're scared, hell, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I might lose you, our partnership, our friendship because of this, but Kens, we've been avoiding this for way too long, I think avoiding it anymore is just going to end badly for both of us. But I'm not going to put any pressure on you, I'm going to give you time to decide what you want, what you _really_ want okay?" She nodded in agreement. "Okay then." He smiled softly at her, releasing her hands. "Come here" He said pulling her into an embrace. She was holding onto him for dear life knowing that whatever she decided would change them forever. He could feel her slightly trembling in his arms and felt the moisture of her tears as they fell on his bare chest. That just made him hold onto her even tighter, kissing her on the forehead, running a hand through her hair he whispered "everything's going to be okay" despite not knowing what the future held for them both.

"Thanks Deeks." She mumbled into his chest. "No problem princess." He replied before reluctantly letting her go. "Goodnight." She said softly brushing the mositure away from her cheeks. "Goodnight." He replied closing the door behind her as she left.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for your kind reviews :) I am blown away by all the follows and favourites, thanks everyone! They have inspired me to delve into the next chapter. Please note that the surfing show I talk about in this chapter is completely fictional, let's just pretend it existed back then. Enjoy :)

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To all outside observers nothing had changed at all between Kensi and Deeks, the banter was the same, the arguments were the same, both of which recurred on a daily basis. They were partners at work and outside of it. Deeks was making good on his promise not to pressure Kensi into making a decision about their status. However, it only took a week before the conversation popped up. It came about during a day spent training inside a kill-house. A day full of high pressure demands that were both physical and psychological. The day itself started out like any other with the team gathered around at their desks.

A few minutes behind her counterparts Kensi arrived at work only to find her partner acting like a kid at Christmas peaking at the presents, he was snooping around her cardboard box. Deeks was determined to know what was inside the box the second he saw it on her desk. She should have known better than to have it at work. Deeks was a detective afterall, a fact that he just loved to bring up. Detecting, or more accurately snooping, was his thing and he was proud of it. Therefore, Kensi knew that she would just have to bite the bullet and deal with his questions.

Given the amount of money she had spent on the contents of the box she really couldn't trust having it delivered to her house. Kensi had bought Deeks' birthday present the week of his actual birthday, originally planning to give it to him in the coming weeks. However, given the huge mix-up with the dates, Kensi was now stuck with the dilemma of when to give him his present. After much deliberation she decided that he would get it on the 17th, the date she originally thought his birthday was.

The actual present was well thought out and required a great deal of time procuring. Thanks to some douchebag named surferdude09 from Canada who kept trying to outbid her, Kensi ended up spending a small fortune on Deeks' gift. Before Deeks had told her that she was what he wanted more than anything else in the world he used to go on and on about a certain piece of memorabilia from a surfing show that aired in the '70s and '80s. It was a telephone shaped like a surfboard and was used in the show's main hang out, the Beachside Café . It was in working condition and signed by members of the cast. This small piece of memorabilia would to some people look like a stupid, novelty item but to Deeks it was the coolest thing ever when he was a kid. He had divulged his love for the phone to Kensi during one of their many late night television, pizza, beer nights. He had forced her to watch an entire marathon of the show the night after he had gone undercover as a surfer.

Unwilling to take any chances with the present being damaged Kensi had it bubble wrapped and placed in polystyrene. The phone consisted of perhaps 10% of the box, the remaining 90% was packaging. Yeah, it was terrible for the planet but it was good for her peace of mind as it made its journey.

The moment she saw him standing over the box she knew that he would be a pain in the ass for the rest of the day. Telling him in no uncertain terms to mind his own business, she knew that she had created a monster. For perhaps the first time in her life Kensi was relieved to see Granger as he interrupted and beckoned them upstairs for there latest briefing. It meant Deeks would shut up about the box. God, he was like a dog with a bone sometimes.

The silence was to be short lived however as the team headed to the kill house. The car ride over consisted of Deeks nagging Kensi about the box until Sam finally snapped and told him in no uncertain terms to "shut up or walk". It was things like this that made Kensi question a relationship with Deeks. Would he nag her about things more if they were together?

Deeks really was like a child at times especially after his little Conan the Barbarian speech while they entered the training ground. Here they were entering one of the most intense, important training exercises they had ever faced and he goes and recites a speech from a film using a full accent and everything? But that was Deeks... humour was his safety buffer afterall. The jokes, the childish behaviour, they were a package deal.

However, it wasn't all bad. There were little things throughout the day that changed her mind about being in a relationship with him. She didn't miss the fact that he tried to calm her nerves before they headed into the exercise. He had asked her if she was nervous and confessed that he was to make her feel better, this automatically gave her the reassurance that she wasn't alone. She also didn't miss the fact that he had defended her when Parish made a snide remark.

"Does anyone wanna put a leash on him before we go another round right here." Kensi stated angrily, Deeks could tell she was close to punching the guy or perhaps using her more favored form of attack, a kick to the junk.

"Somebody's a poor loser, you take it this bad when you got cut from the cheerleading squad too?" Parish taunted, Callen inched closer to him, ready to pull Kensi off the guy if need be.

"What part are you roleplaying now huh? Team super-douche?" Deeks chided in. Kensi couldn't help but laugh at his joke. He was defending her, any other time Kensi would be offended that he would feel the need to. She was afterall a stubborn and independent woman who didn't need a man to defend her honor. But given Deeks' response she let it slide and just enjoyed the witty remark.

Thinking about what had just happened Kensi began to wonder what she would have done if it was the other way around, if it was Deeks getting picked on by Parish. The more she thought about it the more it bothered her. The usual pattern consisted of Deeks being made the butt of the joke. Therefore, if this happened to him she would probably have just joined in and made fun of her scruffy haired partner. That was how it went when they were with the team. However, thinking back to the night of his birthday and how angry he was about being the butt of everyone's jokes, she felt a pang of guilt start to eat away at her. It was lucky she was sitting at the back for the de-briefing in the kill house because she was a million miles away. This didn't go unnoticed by Deeks who made a footnote to question her about it afterwards.

As they gathered up their gear Deeks broke the silence after Sam and Callen had left the room. "So uh you kind of tuned out during that presentation, what's up?" He asked casually, storing his gun in its custom made carry case. "Oh um yeah... I was just so pissed that we got caught out like that ya know? We should have seen it coming." She lied smiling at him reassuringly telling him that she was okay. "Yeah that sucked..." He agreed as the two carried their gear outside, Deeks grunting and moaning the entire time courtesy of his earlier fall. She couldn't help but smile at his theatrical description of his injury and subsequent complaining the entire time they drove to their next training exercise.

"Come on Deeks quit complaining already, how far did you fall?" Sam asked amuzed by the entire situation.

"I was thrown down a flight of stairs, I'm lucky I didn't break my neck!" Deeks exaggerated.

"Wow, hold on, you were thrown down all of those stairs?" Kensi asked the concern in her voice evident rememebering just how high some of those staircases were.

"Well... I may have slightly embellished the number of stairs a little bit..." Deeks squirmed as Kensi's concern faded into a glare

"How many?" She asked knowingly.

"Enough that it hurt real bad when I landed" Deeks replied as Kensi hit him in the arm as Sam and Callen chuckled.

"Ow!" Deeks rubbed his arm, he was going to be purple and blue tomorrow.

"You big baby" Kensi replied shaking her head.

* * *

It wasn't until they were alone in the car together running surveillance that Kensi showed some genuine concern towards Deeks' health.

"How is you shoulder?" She asked as they tailed Inman.

"I'll live" Deeks replied, knowing that this time he didn't have to complain about how sore he was or lie and tell her that it didn't hurt.

"Good." She replied as the two held each other's gaze allowed for by the fact they were stuck at a red light.

"Kens" Deeks said as the two continued to look at each other.

"Yeah?" She asked still trance-like.

"The light is green." Deeks replied pointing towards the traffic light.

"Oh yeah, right" Kensi said snapping out of it, as Deeks chuckled slightly.

"Oh my gosh... how embarrassing." Kensi thought to herself.

The remainder of the trip was carried out in complete silence, an almost awkward tension filling the car. Deeks knew they had just shared a moment but couldn't be seen to be adding pressure on Kensi by bringing it up. Therefore, for perhaps the first time ever he decided to shut up. Kensi wished that Deeks would say a stupid joke or babble on about something. The silence was really unsettling for her, so used to hearing her partner's voice during these kinds of situations. It wasn't until they were parked outside the house of Parish's wife that the silence was broken as the two shared binoculars and talked about the case.

And then it started...

"Kens"

"Yep"

"What's in the box?"

"This again?" Seriously, he was like a dog with a freakin' bone! Kensi thought exasperatedly.

"Fine, you don't want me to ask? I'll stop asking, I don't care, I don't need to know." Deeks shrugged it off unconvincingly.

"No, I just think you're very curious that's all."

"Because you keep building it up so much" Deeks raised his voice slightly as he said it to her.

Was he talking about the box here? She had only just got it on her desk this morning... How could she be building it up? Was he talking about the night of his birthday here, was her decision being built up too much? Kensi wondered before quickly replying "Exactly, what's to say it won't be a big disappointment?"

"Well, at least then we'll know" Deeks replied.

Kensi was still confused, then we'll know what? We'll know what's in the box? Or we'll know my decision? Is he talking about the box? Argh!

"Kens, what's in the box?"

"No, stakes are too high"

"You know it's not going to change anything right?"

"We're still talking about the box right?" She had to ask, this double meaning to their conversation was driving her mad.

"It's almost as if you sent it to yourself so we could have this exact conversation. Oh my god you're diabolical, you did send it to yourself didn't you?"

Did he just change the subject? Kensi thought, "God, he was talking about us, he's getting impatient" Kensi worried. However, those thoughts and worries were interrupted by the fact that they had to go and interview a distraught widow.

Time would only tell what this conversation would mean for them in the long run.


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for the reviews, much appreciated :) enjoy.

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*The night after the kill house*

"Hey Mom" Kensi said surprised to see her mother on her doorstep.

"Hi honey, I hope I haven't caught you at a bad time, I can come back some other time if you'd like?"

"No of course not, come on in." Kensi smiled giving her mother a hug.

"Oh thank you, sorry it's so late, I wanted to get this to you, it sounded like a rough day" Julia said handing over a casserole she had made especially for her.

"It was, thanks Mom, I'll go put it in the oven, come on in." Kensi smiled moving aside to allow her to enter.

"Oh thanks"

"Hey Julia!" Deeks said enthusiastically walking over to hug her.

"Marty, how are you?" She asked returning the hug, genuinely happy to see him. Deeks and Julia had talked several times since their first meeting, he seemed to be over at Kensi's everytime she had visited. Not that Julia minded, she had formed quite the high opinion of the detective. One that she repeated to Kensi over and over again, she had even used his name in the same sentence as grandchildren.

"I've been better" Deeks confessed.

"Oh?" Julia's concern was evident as she walked closer to Deeks.

"I got thrown down a flight of stairs today" Deeks began rubbing his back and his shoulder, clearly seeking sympathy.

"Oh no, you poor thing." Julia reacted putting her hand over her mouth.

"Hah!" Came the very loud response of his partner walking back from the kitchen "it was from the bottom of the stairs Deeks!" Kensi scolded her partner.

"What? It was at least half-way up them!" Deeks replied as Julia watched on highly amused at the two arguing.

"Let me see" Julia insisted, her maternal instinct encouraged her to check to see the damage despite her daughter downplaying the events of the day.

Deeks complied turning around as Julia helped him to lift his shirt up.

"Oh my that does look painful." Julia said moving her hand over the angry bruise that was forming over Deeks' shoulder blade.

"See I told you!" Deeks shouted giving Kensi a smirk, like he had won.

"Oh come on Deeks, that's barely even a bruise!" Kensi said moving around to look at her partner's injury, which even she had to admit looked sore.

"Oh shush you! Go and get some frozen peas out of the freezer." Julia beckoned.

"You'd be lucky, Kensi only eats things from microwavable plastic containers." Deeks said.

"Shut up." Kensi scowled yet knew that he was right.

"It's a wonder she can do her job with the diet she has" Julia said clearly agreeing with Deeks.

"I know, it never ceases to amaze me" Deeks replied as the two continued talking about Kensi's diet.

"Argh." Kensi groaned, frustrated as the two talked about her as if she wasn't there. She left and began digging through her freezer. It took her a while but she eventually found a packet of seriously out-of-date frozen corn. "That should do the trick" Kensi said to herself, impressed that she was able to find something.

"Here." Kensi said passing the corn to her Mom, she was the one who had requested it afterall.

"Thank you dear, here Marty this should take some of the swelling down." Julia handed it over to him and began fussing. Julia told him to sit back and put his feet up moving Kensi's stuff aside to enable him to do so. "Um excuse me?" Kensi complained as her magazines and miscellaneous items were bundled into a pile and put onto the floor. "Oh hush you, make yourself useful why don't you go and get Marty another cushion." Julia said as Kensi looked at Deeks loving every minute of it.

"Oh my gosh" Kensi huffed going to get Deeks another cushion.

"Good, now is there anything else you need dear? Are you comfortable?" Julia asked.

"No thanks, this is great." Deeks smirked at Kensi who just glared back at him as Julia took the cushion from her and put it beside him on the couch.

"Okay then, well I will be off, make sure you keep that on okay Marty?" Julia smiled at him.

"Will do" Deeks nodded smiling back at her.

"You need to be more careful" Julia said touching Deeks on the arm as they said their goodbyes.

"Would you stop fussing over him already, he is unbearable enough as it is, you're only making it worse." Kensi said as she walked Julia towards the door.

"Oh nonsense, you need to take more care of him, that bruise looked very painful." Julia said as her and Kensi walked outside.

"It's just a bruise, he doesn't need me waiting on him hand and foot." Kensi sighed.

"There was swelling sweetie, now go back inside and get him some painkillers will you?" Julia said.

"Oh my gosh..." Kensi muttered hugging her mom and saying goodbye to her before heading back inside.

Deeks was sitting on the couch smirking as Kensi re-entered.

"Don't" she warned as she walked closer to him.

"Your mom likes me" Deeks smirked,

"Shut up" denied shaking her head.

"She wishes I was her son-in-law." Deeks wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Shut-up" Kensi said flinging a cushion in his direction, gaining satisfaction as it hit him in the face.

"Ow!" Deeks complained.

"Do you need any painkillers?" Kensi asked, finally showing a little concern.

"If you are going to continue throwing things at me then yes!" Deeks replied exaggerating his voice.

"Alright" Kensi smiled getting him some.

"That is not cool." Deeks huffed.

* * *

After sharing the meal that Julia had brought over earlier Kensi and Deeks were now collapsed on the couch, full and exhausted. They had been absentmindedly watching television for the last half hour.

Kensi yawned nudging Deeks in the arm "Ahh you're not kicking me out are you?" He complained.

"Yep." She replied, standing up, it was getting late, they had work the next day.

"Awww I'm injured I can't move" Deeks moaned reclining into a lying position on the couch.

"You just moved! Come on." Kensi began pulling at his arm but he wasn't budging.

"Awww can't I stay." Deeks moaned.

"Nope, hurry up." She ordered hitting him on the butt as he lay face down on the couch, his face buried in a pillow.

"Really?" He turned to look at her, noting the smirk on her face.

"Really, now get up." She replied.

"What? No massage first?" Deeks replied.

"No, no massage, get up!"

"Pretty please." He asked, using puppy dog eyes.

"Nope." She replied, standing her ground.

"But you promised me one earlier!" He groaned, still making no attempt to move.

"I was joking earlier, come on, get up." She replied.

"Argh... fine, you win but I'm going to be complaining about this all of tomorrow" Deeks conceded slowly pulling himself from her couch.

"You always complain Deeks." Kensi replied rolling her eyes.

"I do not!" Deeks replied, moping as he walked towards the door.

"Night Deeks." She said opening the door for him.

"Night." Deeks replied, a little hurt that she wouldn't let him stay.

She felt bad for kicking him out, but she knew that it was dangerous letting him stay over, especially with the way things were at the moment. She had no idea where they stood after their conversation about the box earlier in the car. She told herself that she was far too tired to bring it up tonight. But in her heart she knew that it was just an excuse to prolong making her decision. A decision she knew she couldn't prolong forever.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for the reviews :) You guys are amazing, thanks for reading. This chapter was inspired by episode 17 when Kensi said her bridal magazine was from 2007, this is the ensuing craziness that got unleashed, enjoy.

* * *

*Two weeks after Kill House*

Deeks had asked Kensi to look after Monty for the weekend having to work on the LAPD undercover assignment Granger had given him a few months ago.

"Thanks so much for this Kens" Deeks semi-yelled from outside her apartment as he carried Monty's dog bed inside.

"Deeks! It's fine gosh stop thanking me already!" Quite frankly Kensi was sick of hearing him say it. If truth be told she had fallen in love with the furry mutt the moment Deeks brought him into work. Having to look after him for the weekend was actually no problem at all for her.

"Okay okay, I wrote down all the stuff you need to know, it's all down here." Deeks handed her a two page list featuring instructions on feeding, walking and everything in between.

"Really? 'In case of a thunder storm' Deeks?" Kensi questioned him. It was an insanely elaborate list, quite frankly it was a little unnecessary.

"What? He doesn't like thunder, he will howl and hide under the bed, I just thought that you should know what you're getting yourself into" Deeks replied innocently, he may have gone just a little overboard with the possible scenarios.

"What's next? In case of poisoning?" Kensi joked before looking down at the list and finding Deeks had actually written a section on that too. He gave her a sheepish smile as she looked up at him.

"C'mon he eats out of dumpsters, you never know what he could pick up." Deeks reasoned.

"Yeah he is pretty stupid..." Kensi scoffed as she looked down at the new addition to her household. Monty had already made himself at home, lying down on his bed semi-asleep.

"Awww don't you listen to her boy." Deeks reached down to scratch Monty behind the ears rousing him from his peaceful state. The dog responded by shaking his tail wildly from side to side. "Now you be good while Daddy is away okay." Monty looked up at Deeks as if they were having a conversation. Kensi watched the two highly amused as they shared there goodbyes.

"Alright I should probably head off, don't miss me too much" Deeks joked as Monty licked his face a few times. "Argh." Deeks wiped at the slobber covering his cheek as Monty returned to his sleeping position. Kensi couldn't contain her laughter knowing that Deeks had spent several months trying to curb his licking habit.

"I don't suppose you want to kiss me goodbye like that too?" Deeks jokes returning to his feet, standing in front of Kensi.

"Eww no." Kensi laughed as Deeks still wiped his face.

"I wouldn't mind" Deeks replied wriggling his eyebrows at her.

"Nooo." Kensi insisted stepping back from him a little.

"Don't blame you" Deeks looks down at Monty shaking his head "He hasn't licked me all month!"

"Sure he hasn't." Kensi replied sarcastically.

"Alright, I guess I should go..." Deeks reluctantly reached down to give Monty one last pat.

"Yeah..." Kensi replied anticipating the goodbye that was to come.

"I'll see you on Monday." Deeks said sadly as he stepped closer to Kensi. She was a little unsure of his next action as her body froze still to the spot anticipating his next move. Before she knew what was happening Deeks had wrapped his arms around her pulling her into a tight embrace. At first her body stiffened at the contact but she quickly relaxed into the hug, wrapping her arms around his back. She accepted the gesture knowing full-well what undercover assignments entailed. She knew that there were no guarantees.

"Stay safe." Kensi whispers into his ear, fighting the emotion that was slowly beginning to build up inside her.

"I will." Deeks promises, knowing that she needs the verbal reassurance from him. The tight hold that she has around him indicates that she is far more worried than she was letting on.

Deeks fought hard to overcome his desire to re-position himself and kiss her goodbye. He had promised to give her space and time to make her decision, the last thing he wanted to do was pressure her. However, Deeks being Deeks he wasn't content to just leave her with a parting hug. He knew he had to do _something_, which meant resorting to the one tried and true method he relied upon to diffuse tension in the situation.

"Goodbye Fern" He smirks, quickly kissing her on the cheek, "now we both have dog slobber!" Deeks quickly runs a few steps away from her anticipating a smack. It never comes, instead she just laughs at his antics, knowing exactly what he had just done, taking away any ounce of awkwardness from the situation.

"Bye Deeks" Kensi almost whispers closing the door behind him as he leaves. She knew that she couldn't keep putting her decision off, Deeks was a patient guy but eventually he would get sick of waiting. She had no idea what his undercover assignment entailed but in the back of her mind she wondered if it involved a woman. She couldn't help but think back to the kiss he had shared with Nicole. Sure Deeks had been undercover when it happened but everything about that kiss was real. What if he met another Nicole while he was undercover? Kensi had seen first-hand how women fell for his charm, one smile from Deeks was often all it took.

All of these scenarios Kensi was contemplating could of course be alleviated in a matter of seconds. Deeks wanted her and only her, he had told her so himself. All she had to do was give him the green light.

So what was stopping her?

Sure there was work, the unanswered questions of how a relationship would affect their partnership, or the way it would impact on the team. These concerns were obvious, they were right there in front of her, unavoidable even. Much, much harder to deal with were the effects of a certain chapter in her life that she liked to keep hidden and buried.

Kensi knew that she had a lot of things to deal with before a relationship with Deeks was possible. She owed it to him and to herself to deal with these issues before embarking on a relationship. In order for it to work she would have to deal with things from her past, namely the issue of her ex-fiancé. An issue she hadn't confronted since the Talbot case. It had been locked away with the hope that it would disappear all by itself. If only things were that easy.

Walking slowly into her bedroom Kensi cautiously approached her closet. Towards the right hand side there was a compartment nestled away. A compartment so secret that even Sam would be proud of her. She smiled thinking about his prized Michael Jackson glove and the pride he took in his security set-up. Gently undoing the panel obscuring the compartment from view Kensi reached inside and pulled out a wooden box. A fine piece of craftsmanship to some but to Kensi it was her past, her insecurities and emotional baggage.

Kensi couldn't help but feel apprehension as she stared at the box for a full ten minutes trying to build up the courage to open it up. There was a small lock on the outside that Kensi fiddled with as she debated whether or not she should open it. Twiddling the key with her index finger and thumb she contemplated her next move.

Several minutes passed before the clasp was unlatched dropping the lock to the floor with a slight thud as metal crunched against the cool, hard floorboard. Lifting the lid up Kensi caught a glimpse of the first item resting at the very top. Slamming the lid shut Kensi couldn't bring herself to look at it for more than a few seconds.

"C'mon you have to do this." She encouraged herself to try again, fighting back the tears that were already threatening to fall.

Kensi's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of light footsteps that were getting closer and closer to her bedroom. Hearing the familiar sound of collar and identification tags colliding Kensi was not surprised as Monty appeared outside her door. He stood in the doorway seeking confirmation that it was okay to enter inside. "Come on" Kensi patted the floor next to her inviting the furry mutt inside. Monty eagerly walked over to her position on the floor, standing beside her as she leant against her bed, the box at her right side. Monty seated himself to her left. Kensi shook her head as she pat the dog on her head "God, even Deeks' dog comes running to my aid" Kensi thought, thinking of all the times that Deeks was there for her when she was emotional, or needed support. Monty looked at her as if reading the emotion written on her face. He studied her face for a brief moment before offering her his beloved greeting. A very wet greeting as his tongue came out and licked her on the cheek a few times. Kensi's tears turned into laughter as she scratched the dog behind the ears, not minding one bit that he had just about licked her to death in the space of a minute. Content that his work was done, Monty curled up and went to sleep beside her, leaning slightly against her leg.

After patting Monty for a few minutes Kensi was finally ready to revisit her previous task. Slowly lifting the lid of the box again she readied herself for what she was about to face. A small black box sat atop a stack of items that were slowly removed and put onto the floor one by one. Going through the box there were a number of things that Kensi had completely forgotten about, namely the bridal magazines she had collected from 2007. There were also items that she remembered in great detail.

Looking through the letters Jack had written to her from Iraq at the start of his deployment she remembered how they had stopped. She remembered how helpless she had felt when she couldn't help him deal with his PTSD. She shed a tear just thinking about it, thinking of the broken shell of a man that had returned to her from the war. The haunted look in his eyes everytime he would wake up from a nightmare. Although Sam had told her she had done everything in her power to help him, there were still lingering doubts in her mind. There were still regrets and what-ifs. 'What if I had tried harder'. 'What if I had done things differently.'

Shaking her head Kensi refused to dwell on those questions tonight, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks she bagan ripping the letters up, throwing them into a garbage bag. She was determined to shed herself of her past relationship with Jack which meant getting rid of the things she had held onto from it.

Continuing on her mission Kensi threw two of the bridal magazines into the rubbish bag without looking at them. The third one was about to suffer the same fate until something caught Kensi's attention. Stuck inside the middle of the pages were a few highlighter coloured post-it notes. Opening the magazine up Kensi looked at the wedding dresses she had ear-marked for her wedding with Jack. Sighing at the thought now she continued flicking through the pages studying the different dresses she had chosen remembering the hopes and dreams of the young woman who had chosen them. Before long Kensi was absentmindedly flicking through the rest of the magazine reading the stories inside. Perhaps it was a form of procrastination taking her away from her current task or perhaps it was the beginning of a new guilty pleasure to go along with her love of reality television. Either way she was really getting into the stuff that was written in the magazine.

Turning another page Kensi stumbled upon a quiz section. 'Is there a future for you?' It was a list of questions that were designed to test the likelihood that couples would stay together. Ordinarily stuff like this wouldn't interest her but she couldn't help but continue reading the questions. Kensi ripped it out of the magazine, setting it aside to do with Deeks sometime.

Flicking through the remaining pages she stumbled on another quiz, 'Past vs Future'. Ordinarily sceptical of quizzes of this nature Kensi couldn't help but ask herself the questions printed. The quiz was designed to determine whether or not true love lay in the past with an ex or in the future with a current loved one.

Question number 8: 'What did your family think of the relationship?" vs "What does your family think of the relationship?"

Kensi picked up one of the photos of her and Jack from the floor. Jack was in his full military uniform. Kensi knew that was part of the reason she had fallen for him in the first place, reminding her of her father. Kensi's thoughts drifted to her father and how much he would have gotten along with Jack. He was the personification of masculinity, strong jawline, solid build, dark hair, brown eyes, over six feet tall. He was almost the exact opposite of Deeks with his blonde hair and blue eyes. She began thinking about her father and what he would have thought about Deeks. How her father would have relentlessly picked on him for his hair and threatened to attack it with scissors. Or how he would tease him about his 'manscaping' and lack of outdoor survival skills. Kensi smiled just thinking about it.

Kensi already knew what her mother thought of Deeks, if it were up to her they would already be married. Jack on the other hand was another story, a can of worms that Kensi had neglected to open up with her mother. While their relationship was strengthening day by day, Kensi had still not allowed herself to open up about that chapter in her life. She couldn't help but feel a little guilty about that fact. The team knew about her past yet her own mother was still in the dark. Kensi wiped a few tears from her cheek as she felt the pangs of regret and guilt for the way she had treated her mother, blaming her all those years when she had done nothing wrong. Kensi vowed to tell her mother about Jack sometime in the near future.

The next photograph Kensi picked up featured her and Jack looking out onto a large mountain-range. Everything about that day had been perfect, right down to the moment he had proposed to her. They had gone on a camping trip which Kensi remembered fondly. They had done all the things that Kensi used to do with her father from fishing to sharing stories over marshmallows around a campfire they had built together. They took a hike the following day only to come across a bear in their travels. Jack had remained calm, cool and collected during the entire situation assuring Kensi that everything was going to be alright. It was, the bear wasn't at all bothered by the fact that they were there. Kensi couldn't help but think about Deeks' reaction after stepping in bear poop on their last assignment. He truly had absolutely no clue when it came to outdoor survival. He was absolutely terrified by the idea that there was a bear in the area, sticking ridiculously close to Kensi the entire time they were out there.

Looking through some more photographs Kensi came across one of her and Jack at a carnival. Kensi was holding a large bag of candyfloss while Jack held an oversized novelty bear he had won for her earlier in the night. They had both looked so happy. The last time she had gone to a carnival Deeks had dragged her there, insisting that she come with him to make up for forgetting his birthday. He had won his goldfish by throwing small balls at a stack of cups in the near distance. Kensi teased him relentlessly the entire time, joking about how his mental age was 10 years old. As they walked around afterwards Deeks began complaining about having nowhere to put his fish. "Why don't you just buy a fish tank?" Kensi suggested. "But it will be all alone in there." Deeks whined, already growing attached to the small fish. "Then buy some more fish!" Kensi replied as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. She couldn't believe it when he came into work on Monday with his doppelganger aquarium. The amount of effort he had put into choosing each fish was truly incredible. But that was Deeks, he put effort and care into every single thing that he did.

Looking back at the quiz, Kensi continued reading: 'Why did your previous relationship end?' vs 'Why are you having doubts about your current relationship?' Kensi knew the answer, abandonment issues. Nate had said those words to her almost 4 years ago now and they were still as true today as they were back then. Jack had left her on Christmas Eve with no explanation. Her father was murdered when she was 15 and her first NCIS partner had been kidnapped and killed right before her eyes.

Kensi had tried hard to keep Deeks at arms length, trying to remain professional and unattached. It would protect her from the pain of losing him if he was recalled to LAPD or captured on a mission. Protecting herself was her number one priority in the aftermath of Dom's death.

Kensi knew she was in over her head when Hetty broke the news that Deeks had been shot. As she waited in the hospital corridor for news on his surgery she clutched onto his badge and watch for dear life. She realised then and there just how much he had become a part of her life. She had resisted it the entire way yet he had persisted with her. He had been the one to push, at first gently but more and more daring as time went by. Continually prying and prodding to get her to open up to him, to get her to let him in. It had worked, it had started off as a challenge for Deeks, something that amused him greatly. She was far too tightly wound for his liking, getting her to loosen up and be comfortable around him was his top priority when they first started out as partners. But that grew into so much more very quickly. While trust had taken a bit of time to develop, the feelings had not.

Discarding the remaining photos of her and Jack into the rubbish bag Kensi was left with one final item. She picked up the small black box, running her fingers over the soft material, slowly opening it up. The glittering diamonds sparkled as they caught the light shining above. Kensi took the ring out of the box carefully, looking at the inscription on the inside: 'I'll always love you'. It was written in small italic letters. Kensi inhaled deeply fighting the emotion that these words stirred up within her. Kensi clutched the ring to her chest remembering the man she had fallen in love with so many years ago. She put it back in the box knowing that she would keep it to remind herself of the good memories she had of him. It was the one item that symbolised the love she had shared with him. The rest of the items were going out with the rubbish. While she wished that all of her feelings for Jack could go out with them she knew that he would always have a special place in her heart.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you so much for the reviews, favorites and follows. Hopefully this next chapter makes sense, it is a bit of a mish-mash, please forgive me in advance! I hope you enjoy, but hey if not? Tear me to shreds in the review :) This is post 4x23.

* * *

How had it all gone so very, _very_ wrong?

Sitting on her couch in tears, Kensi thought about what had happened over the space of two short months. How her entire world had been ripped apart.

*Flashback - 2 months earlier*

Following up on a lead with her temporary partner Sabatino, he had inadvertently given her the push she had needed to pursue a relationship with Deeks.

"If you were my partner, I'd end up falling for you. Hard. Then what would I do? Good partner's are hard to find. I need someone that I can trust to have my back, I wouldn't wanna lose that. On the other hand, you'd also be the person I cared about more than anyone else in the world and I'd never wanna see you in jeopardy. So you couldn't possibly be my partner. It's a dilemma."

A dilemma indeed, to be with Deeks would mean being with the one person she cared about more than anyone else in the world. Yet what would that mean for the team? Would she put the rest of the team in jeopardy because she was too worried about Deeks? Those thoughts circulated in her mind throughout the day as they worked on the case together.

All of the lingering doubts that she had about a relationship with Deeks were answered the moment word came through that Sabatino's partner had been killed. Kensi knew right then and there that she would be devastated if it were Deeks. She knew that she wanted him to be more than just her partner.

*End flashback*

* * *

Deeks was currently heavily intoxicated, broken glass was strewn all over the floor of his apartment. He was an emotional wreck.

*Flashback - Four Months Earlier*

"Detective Deeks, need I remind you that your position here is by no-means perminent..." Granger threatened, towering over Deeks as he handed him a file.

"So basically what you're saying is that if I don't do this then I'm fired?" Deeks directed his attention down towards the file before glancing back up at Granger.

Granger ignored his question, pushing through. "Need I remind you how important this case is?" Granger circled around Deeks, clearly adding pressure. "These are some serious players we're talking about, all I need you to do is convince this woman to do a little fishing around for you."

Deeks laughed knowing that it wasn't that easy. It was never that easy.

"While Henrietta may like keeping you around, she does not have the power to make that decision." Granger left the room, leaving the file in Deeks' possession.

*End Flashback*

Sighing Deeks collapsed on the couch taking a sip out of a bottle of beer. He felt guilty for not telling Kensi the details of the case.

* * *

Thinking back, Kensi couldn't quite believe how stupid she had been. She had gone for it, she had told Deeks that she wanted to be with him, she had made a complete and utter fool out of herself.

*Flashback*

Kensi had presented him with the box, informing him that she had "decided to get him something that he's always wanted... more than anything else in the world."

"You really did that?" Deeks questioned.

"Open it and find out." Kensi pressed.

"And what if you got it wrong? I mean life doesn't get any better than this moment right now because everything I've ever wanted is inside this box, right? There's no real reason to open it then is there?"

"Nope, there isn't." Kensi tried to hide the hurt but it was written all over her face. 'What the fuck?' Kensi thought to herself. He just put the box on the shelf, 'what the hell does that even mean?' The only thing that she was sure of right now was that she was going to confront him once the Red Team was out of the picture.

When Deeks got to his car later that night he had one insanely angry partner waiting outside for him. Judging by the glare he was currently receiving she was not in the mood for anything other than an explanation.

"Kens let me explain." Deeks pleaded.

"I'm waiting." Kensi impatiently crossed her arms, leaning against the driver's door, it was clear that she wasn't going to let him go without one.

"Look... now is just not the right time to start anything." Deeks began, only to be cut off halfway through.

"Are you kidding me? I finally make a decision and you're telling me that _now_ is not the right time?" She was more than a little pissed and really how could she not be? He had told her to take all the time in the world to decide. What the hell changed?

"Look I know it sounds ridiculous..."

"Ridiculous? Deeks this is unbelievable, you are unbelievable! Are you trying to get back at me for taking so long to decide?" Kensi asked defensively.

"What? No, of course not."

"Really? Because it seems like it."

"It's not, trust me god, Kens, I want nothing more than to be with you right now it's just... it's not the right time... this assignment I'm doing right now... It's complicated."

"Complicated?" Kensi folded her arms unimpressed by his explanation.

"Yes... Look I'm sorry, once this is over I swear I'm all yours." Deeks smiled trying to lighten up the conversation with humor. The smile on his face soon faded however as Kensi replied. "Yeah well, I might not want you then..." She left him standing there in the carpark.

*End flashback*

* * *

Deeks looked down at his phone staring at a picture of him and Kensi that was taken by Sam as they battled in the gym several months ago. Deeks was caught in a headlock struggling to free himself as Kensi tightened her grip on his head with her arms. He smiled remembering the moment. It was a fleeting smile however as he remembered what had taken place earlier in the night.

*Flashback*

"I guess I finally understand why it wasn't the right time..." Kensi said quietly as she let him inside her house. The hurt was written all over her face, she had been crying.

"Look Kensi I'm sorry." Deeks genuinely tried to apologize as he walked inside her living room.

"You think that is going to make it alright?" Kensi turned away from him, unable to even look at him right now.

"Of course not." Deeks approached her trying to make her face him. She shrugged his hand away refusing to meet him halfway.

"You broke your promise Deeks..." Kensi turned around, revealing the tears forming in her eyes.

"I know..." Deeks dropped his head towards the floor.

"That's all you have to say?" Kensi yelled, her temper getting the best of her.

There was a short silence as Deeks contemplated his reply.

"God, you can't even say anything." Kensi shook her head in disgust.

What could he say? An apology wasn't going to make up for it.

"You know what Monica told me today? She said to me 'You know you can't trust him right?'" Kensi let the first few tears fall as she remembered the conversation earlier in the day.

"I didn't have a choice Kens, Granger gave me the assignment." Deeks pleaded, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms and make the pain go away.

"Did Granger give you that cover too or did you offer to revive it? I mean, you said it yourself Deeks, Max is your alter-ego. Does that mean that part of you gets off on lying to people?" Kensi accused.

"That's not fair"

"Isn't it? I mean you did promise me that you were never ever going back to that cover after all of that crap with Ray and Nicole." Kensi recalled the moment in detail. He had made the promise to her on the beach a week after the case. He had bared his sole to her, told her the story about shooting his father with the gun provided by Ray. He had told her about his relationship with Nicole. He had promised her then and there that he would put that alias behind him forever.

"I know..." Deeks sighed.

"So what changed huh? What the hell changed?"

"Granger basically threatened to fire me if I didn't do this Kens, I didn't have a choice."

"There's always a choice Deeks..."

"Yeah well this time there wasn't." Deeks conceded.

Kensi knew that he was lying to her, seemingly unwilling to tell her the truth. Unwilling to tell her that some days it was easier being Max. That he used his cover as Max Gentry to absolve himself from the guilt of lying to people. That deep down that cover was every single fear he had about becoming his father. Kensi may have called her a barbie earlier but even Monica could see that he was pushing the guilt onto Max.

"Get out!" Kensi yelled, unable to deal with him anymore, to deal with the lies, the bullshit.

"No I wanna talk about this." Deeks replied, it was a half-hearted attempt, the last thing he wanted was to talk about being Max Gentry.

"Well I don't Deeks, get out." She replied shoving him out her door and slamming it in his face.


	7. Chapter 7

Apologies for the last chapter, it was pretty confusing, I felt like I needed to update this story but kind of lost interest in it. Oh well... this is a post 4x24 finale chapter.

* * *

Kensi watched as Deeks started to come around, moving slightly in the bed. Slowly his eyes began to flutter open trying to get a bearing on where the hell he was. The pain relief medication had left him with an overwhelming groggy feeling, he wasn't quite sure if he there was someone talking to him or if he was imagining it.

"Hey there, try not to move too much." Kensi said, leaning down towards him. She placed her hand firmly on his forehead, applying slight pressure to hold him in place, to calm him down. Her other hand found his own, squeezing it gently. His movements stilled immediately as he looked up at her. He blinked several times before finally focusing on her eyes, her beautiful face.

"I'm just going to tell the doctor that you're awake okay, don't move and definitely don't try to speak." Kensi said leaving in search of the doctor.

She returned a few minutes later with a doctor and nurse.

"Mr Deeks you're awake." Dr Wilson, walked over to him checking on his vitals and conducting a few simple tests, all of which Deeks passed with flying colours.

"How is the pain at the moment, scale from one to ten." Dr Wilson asked, telling Deeks to show him with his hands. Deeks put up one finger, he was quite comfortably drugged up.

"That's good." Dr Wilson wrote down some notes, informing him about the procedures they had conducted on his teeth, Kensi cringed as she had to relive all the gruesome details.

"You won't be able to speak for at least a week." Dr Wilson added, summing up his assessment.

"Oh he's going to hate that." Kensi teased, she could see Deeks' smile in his eyes, his mouth could hardly move because of all the numbing agents at work.

"In the meantime you can use these notes to communicate." Dr Wilson presented him with a notepad and pen. "Really?" Deeks thought to himself, hating this situation immediately.

The doctor and nurse headed out leaving them alone.

Kensi handed him the pen and paper sensing that he had some burning questions.

'Sam?' Deeks showed her the quickly written scribble on the paper.

"He's okay, they had to run several tests on his heart after the electric shots, but so far he's passed them all. Michelle is with him, she's taking care of him. Michelle is kind of lucky to be alive too, it was kind of touch and go for a second there." Kensi replied.

Deeks' eyes widened in response remembering that Kensi had been the one following her. 'What happened?' Deeks scribbled down, showing her the paper.

"Those Russian bitches tried to kill her, kicked her out of the 30th floor of a building, she managed to hang onto a sheet left there by the builders, they were doing renovations in the building, it was a mess. I had to run up 30 flights of stairs just to get there. I couldn't see her anywhere, I just saw the Russians looking out the window so I shot at them and they ran away. Then I heard Michelle yelling, I had no idea where it was coming from. There was a broken barrier where the window should have been, so I went over there, I looked down and there she was. God, it was terrifying, her grip was slipping... I managed to pull her up just in time, but then... god, you're going to love this..." A big smile broke out on Kensi's face. "I had just pulled Michelle back up, so I was bending over and well... one of the Russians had come back and... I got shot..." Kensi cut off her story on purpose waiting for his reaction.

Deeks eyes widened, she could see the concern in his eyes. "Where? Are you okay?" Deeks scribbled frantically.

"I got shot in the butt." Kensi confessed.

Deeks let out a quiet, muffled laugh, severely inhibited by his inability to talk. His eyes sparkled as the tears began to stream down his face. They were a cross between relief that she was alright and relief that he was still alive. Also, the story was _hilarious_.

"I can't believe I told you that, you're literally crying with laughter at my misfortune." Kensi said, letting tears of her own fall as she gently wiped the tears away from his eyes with a tissue, lightly dabbing at them on his face, mindful of the pain. She was so glad that he was alright.

After a few minutes Deeks began scribbling on the piece of paper again. "Which cheek?" He showed her the piece of paper.

Kensi laughed, shaking her head. "Only you would ask that..." She smiled, leaving the question unanswered.

Deeks wrote on the paper a few seconds later 'Are you alright?'

"Yes, it hurt my pride more than anything else." Kensi smiled at him.

'Monty?'

"He's okay, he stayed with Eric for a few days while I was stuck in the hospital. But now he's staying with me, he misses you, he always looks at the door expecting you to arrive at any minute. The other day Callen came around and Monty rushed to the door, when he saw that it was Callen he moped back to his bed, god it was hilarious, he looked like you when you mope."

'I don't mope.' Deeks wrote, underlining his words for emphasis.

"Yes you do!" Kensi replied. "Hey do you want me to bring you anything for tomorrow?" Kensi asked looking down at her watch, visiting hours were nearly over.

"Ipad so I can say more!" Deeks wrote.

Kensi laughed reading all of his exclamation marks. "It is weird, you not talking... I'll get it, anything else apart from the basics like clothes and stuff." Kensi asked.

"A new phone"

"Oh I got one here already." Kensi replied walking over to her bag.

"Hetty gave me this to give you, it's already got everyone's numbers in it, you'll probably get bombarded by texts from everyone now that you're awake." Kensi handed him the phone.

"I gotta go, visiting hours are nearly over." She frowned, not wanting to leave him. She stroked a hand gently through his hair. "You can text me anytime, if you remember something else you want me to bring, just whatever, okay?" Kensi said, lightly kissing him on the forehead.

'Okay thanks' Deeks scribbled, disappointed that she was leaving so soon. Kensi could see the sadness in his eyes.

"I'm glad you're okay." She said, still leaning down by his side, just inches from his face.

'I'm glad you're okay too' Deeks showed her the note.

"Goodnight Deeks." She said softly, squeezing his hand as she stood up to leave.

'Night'

* * *

It was 10 o'clock and Kensi was curled up on her couch with Monty sleeping happily by her feet when her phone buzzed.

Kensi looked at her message, it was Deeks - 'So which cheek was it?'

Kensi laughed typing out her response. 'You should be asleep right now not worrying about things like that.'

Deeks chose to ignore her comment. 'See what happens when I'm not there to watch your ass.'

'Ha-ha very funny, I get it, watch my ass, you haven't lost your sense of humor at least, go to sleep"

'Can't sleep, hospital too noisy.'

'Says the guy who sleeps with the snoring canine, seriously I think Monty needs surgery or something' Kensi replied, looking down at the dog, loudly snoring beneath her feet.

'You can talk, you snore like a piglet, it's probably like a zoo at your place at night with him there too.'

'Ha-ha, funny. Go to sleep, I'm not texting you back.'

'Seriously? In my time of need, you're not texting me back?'

'Fern?'

'Come on, you know you want to.'

Kensi continued to ignore him, knowing that he needed his rest, she reluctantly turned her phone off, a large smile on her face.


End file.
